Greentech update – Zimmerones Coolclimate Behavioural Products

Professor Zak Zimmerman of the Cupertino University School of Experimental Medicine has unveiled a knock-out cure for climate change: Zimmerone Coolclimate™ a suite of feel-good hormones and pheromones which counter our polluting instincts.

“It all comes down to human behaviour. Excessive emissions of greenhouse gasses are caused by human beings rushing about and trying to get ahead, as far and fast as possible. They result from humans getting too fussy about comfort and warmth. They result from us succumbing to the lure of convenience, and easing into a sedentary lazy lifestyle dependent on machines and electrical power.

“Well, now we understand how to change the psyche of the individual and curb these damaging instincts. We’ve developed a smart cocktail of hormones and pheromones, which help people feel good about themselves, just as they are.”

Zimmerman’s research programme was partly inspired by an investment bank in the United States which encouraged aggressive traders to take female hormones. The hormones would counteract excessive testosterone levels and cause the traders not to take such big risks.

His work has also borrowed from commercially available feline pheromones. “If your cat is suffering from stress due to changes in its environment, you just buy a plug-in pheromone to settle it down.”

“We took this idea further, and developed a suite of products aimed at countering those instincts which cause climate change. Zimmerone Temporeg™ ¹, makes your brain make you feel just the right temperature while wearing a light pullover, whatever the ambient temperature. This quickly stops excessive heating in colder climates, and excessive air conditioning in warmer climates. If you take two Temporegs in the morning, you can even trick your brain into enjoying a cold shower!”

“What about the Zimmerone Veloceran™? Just plug a Veloceran dispenser into the cigarette lighter socket of your car. It emits a highly sophisticated cocktail of pheromones which gives you the kick of being in a Ferrari while toddling along at 40 mph in a Toyota Aygo.”

Commissioner for Biotechnology in Brussels, Professor Heinz Krankenkopf-Goebbelwinter could not mask his delight at the launch of the Zimmerone range. “Genetic modification? 3G … internet 2.0? Pah! Zat, as the British say, is old hat. Human psycho-engineering is ze future. Viz produkts like zis vi kan solf practically every problem in ze vorld.”

“Ze European Kommissariat is drafting the Directive on psycho-engineering. Zis will release billions of Euro to research centres across Europe, so Europe can be world leader in ze development of the next generation of behavioural engineering chemicals.”

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1. One tablet daily

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