Greentech corner – by our technology correspondent Nat Eb

Hello all you green techies! And a pulsatingly good morning to you too. Welcome once again to this week’s pick of the newest and best and fastest and smartest 24×7 technologies to save the planet. We all know, that without major technological advances, there’s no chance of staving off global warming.

Silent K
After ten years the Euro 5 billion Japanese-EU funded Silent K research programme has been completed. Announcing the results of his ground-breaking work, Swiss Professor Heinz Doppelganger-Pfisch, head of energy efficiency at the world famous particle accelerator CERN, explained that his research has spun off many practical applications for energy efficiency.

The most important development is Doppelganger-Pfisch’s K-nitting needle theorem, a derivative of the J-nitting needle theorem. In the decade of boredom he endured while waiting for a small particle from outer-space to bump into his underground laboratory, Doppelganger-Pfisch discovered that the tedium could be alleviated by clicking two polymer rods together. He fed a ball of wool through the rods, applying a complex cyclical algorythm, and ended up with rather a dashing cardigan.

Soon all the members of his team were adorned with pullovers, cardigans, scarves, mittens, and bobble-hats in a bright array of colours. As a result the heating system could be turned down several degrees leading to substantial savings in energy consumption.

Doppelganger-Pfish said: “Zis is the beauty of science. Vi call it serendipity. You know, it is like ven you are looking for a bus ticket in your pocket and you find a pound coin.”

Potato Inc.
Two years ago bio-geneticist Chris Colon of was clearing away the weeds behind his garage in Holidaysburg, Pennsylvania, when he discovered an unusual plant. Instead of traditional roots like most plants, it had tubers. When he showed these to his wife, the fair Mrs Colon, being the thought-leader in the family, experimented with cooking them with boiling water. After ten minutes or so, they realised that they had discovered a very palatable foodstuff.

“We’ve decided to call them potatoes,” said Colon. “It doesn’t mean anything, it just came to me. It might catch on.”

Colon argues that if we ate more potatoes and other similar foods which he has termed “vegetables”, then we would need to eat less meat. This could lead to far more efficient use of land, energy, and water, less destruction of tropical rainforest, and reductions in CO2 emissions globally.

Colon’s company, Potato Inc., now offers a range of these so-called “vegetables”, which he is distributing through stores and farmers markets across the country.

Electricity is very powerful force of nature. Imagine the energy of millions of tonnes of coal being squeezed through little copper wires into your home! Those electrons come out pretty hot. Not something to be played with!

Hungarian engineer, Ödön Sárközy (no relation!!!), from Bivajhernád-based Hungaroplug Inc., has developed a radically new approach to electricity management.

“We’ve practically turned science on its head,” he said. “ ‘Off’ is the new ‘on’, as it were.”

His breathtaking new product, the switch, allows you to terminate the flow of electrons to any part of the electrical system of a house, thus eliminating wasteful use of electricity. Any time you don’t need a light on, or you have had enough of the TV blaring in the background, or your phone charger has done its job, just “flick-a-switch”™ ® and the power will go off. If you need it on again, you can use the same switch to get it going again!!!!! The sheer breathtaking arrogance of this technology!!!!!

For Sárközy this means $$$$$$$!!!! And he is certainly going places. He has spun off a new company Switchtech to “plug” this gap in the market, and is now looking to list in the UK. “We had revenues of 287 Forints last year. So we’re looking good for AIM.”

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